The Least Helpful Phonetic Alphabet Know To Man

If you’ve ever had a job where you’ve had to convey information over the telephone then you’ve probably been forced to learn the phonetic alphabet, you know like Oscar, Charlie and all that jazz.

One of my colleagues recently spent 100+ hours at work trying to develop the least helpful phonetic alphabet of all time. When I say ‘least helpful’ I mean that if you were to ever use this version on the phone, the letters you were trying to confirm would be much, much less clear, rather than more clear.

So as I stole this from my colleague, who for the sake of this article we’ll call “Stuart”, I have to give something back to him. That’s the deal we struck. The cost of reproducing his hard won, deeply thought through and useless list is a plug for his rehearsal studio, so here it comes…

BLACK BUNKER REHEARSAL STUDIOS IN CENTRAL BRIGHTON: they have a solid 15+ years reputation. Clean and friendly with full back line included! Rates are from as little as £6 per hour! Get down there. HERE’S A LINK TO THE FACEBOOK PAGE where you can contact “Stuart” direct.

OK, so here’s the list, please feel free to mess with any new people that start at your office by giving them this alphabet to work from on their first day:

A for ARE

B for B & Q

C for CUE

D for DJANGO

E for EWE

F for FFS

G for GNOME

H for HOURS

I for IOU

J for JAY

K for KNIGHT

L for LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLL

M for MNEMONIC

N for NGWEE

O for OUIJA BOARD

P for PTERODACTYL

Q for QUEUE

R for ROFL

S for SEA

T for TZAR

U for UMMMM…

V for VENDETTA

W for WHY

X for XENOMORPH

Y for YOU

Z for ZYZZYVA

So there you go. I completely understand if you think that was stupid, puerile and a complete waste of everyone’s time… because it was. Now go and get on with something worthwhile… or… print it off and distribute it surreptitiously around your office. Your call.

Bye.